I bit my lower hard. I don't want to cry, I don't want to cry. However, no matter how hard I tried, I failed. In no time, I was sobbing in front of him, the guy who accompanied me throughout the years - when I was still the nubile university girl. Little gifts like a Kogepan's purse and a doggy pendant made me happy for days. Simple words like "I love you" and "I miss you" made my heart flutter for weeks. I always longed to see him and I knew he longed to see me as well, from the long distances he made every night to my house (My cooking was his reward) ...
During the past few years, after I have stepped into working society, I changed. I was not satisfied with little gifts anymore. I wanted to lead a high life and I wanted him to lead a high life as well. Restaurants were such a daily affair that I got so sick of eating pretentious food. Holidays were booked at a whim. Gifts were enough to burn pockets. Guess gradually, both of us felt empty after a while. We stopped having our favorite heart-to-heart talks (because there was nothing much to talk about except work and senseless gossip). We started to do our own stuff without each other...Guess that was a killer...in no time to come, we were used to doing things in the absence of each other...
He wanted to get married due to his age. I didn't want to get married because of my age. I was still enjoying life and didn't want to settle down yet. Quite blatant that we had different directions in life...
Seeing him once again made me tremendously shattered. I miss those days. I treasure this love. Yet, I hate him for making me feel so lost. However, I cannot be selfish. He must move on. Staying on with me means he may not start a family. No matter how much I hate to let go, I have to.
Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things in life and it is something I fear most. Saying goodbye is equivalent to ripping oneself up and this time round, I couldn't stop wailing. I felt like dying, which I guess was must easier...
Wonder if I can ever move on...Guess not.
