Guess I am a great phobic for words like "future" and "marriage". Those words sounded like magic many years back and I had been hoping for him to propose to me at that point of time. I saw him as somebody I wanted to spend the rest of my life with - somebody who fetched me from work, somebody who could have dinner with me every single day, somebody whom I could hold his hand all the time, somebody whom I could nag at all the time, somebody I could have 3 boys with...
He dashed my dream. I wanted to get married and asked him to come up with a nice and memorable proposal, which we could look back when we got old. He did not, but we went ahead to book a date to register our marriage. In a crying wreck, I told him if he did not come up with a marriage proposal within the next 3 months, I would call off all arrangements. He agreed and I prayed hard that he would.
Everything was in a rush. We went to bridal boutiques and restaurants to check out the prices, but deals were not closed due to prices. I was in a panicky mode because time was running short and we argued all the time. Ultimately, we could not get his so-called best deal. It didn't help that he was tied down by his work most of the time. At the very last week before the big day, nothing was in place - There was no proposal, no booking of restaurant as well as no bridal gown. I called off the whole arrangement. I was extremely disappointed and furious at him.I felt so sick by the whole incident that I saw no point in sharing my inner thoughts with him. He was not the one I thought he was...
This incident made me feel so sick of marriage. Why must I endure such a slap to my face? I am not ugly or lowly-educated, why do I get such sickening treatment? Whenever other brides-to-be chatter happily about their wedding arrangements with their other halves, I feel a dull ache in my tummy. Not that I am jealous; perhaps, it's just pure envy...Sometimes, when Gramps teases me of not getting married at such an old age (I am only 25, for Heaven's sake), though harmless banter, I just wish I can dig a hole and escape...
Not sure when I can overcome this phobia...(maybe never?) As for him, I don't know whether I should hate him or miss him. I just don't know. It just aches too badly.
