Frailty

Walked into the room with Daddy and Bro. There she was, lying on the bed, unconscious and frail - My maternal grandmother. Both Bro and I stood metres away because we didn't know what to do except to address her (though we knew she couldn't respond). Saw Mummy, Uncle and Auntie there as well. All of them attempted to wake Maternal Grandmother up by shouting "Mother". Felt disgusted when they started to treat it like a game; they laughed when they failed to do so. Seems to me that there was a prize awaiting for whoever succeeded in waking her up : ( Seeing at how quiet (or anti-social) I was, she tried to strike a conversation by asking me how Gramps was. I shot her back by saying that this was not the right time to ask such questions because I was superstitious. Taken aback, she looked Mummy in the eye, as if asking her how come I reacted so strongly towards her "harmless" question. Regardless, I couldn't be bothered because I feel that I am just not part of the family.

Many questions zoomed into my mind at that point of time: What was the point of trying to wake her up when you couldn't even be bothered to take care of her and ensure she took her diabetic medicine regularly? What was the point of her waking up when you guys would be pushing the responsibility of taking care of her around and quarreling about the medical fees?

Frankly, if I were Maternal Grandmother, perhaps, departing this world, or rather, this unhappy family of unfilial brats would be a better choice. At least I do not get to eat medicine at the wrong timings; do not eat junk food which I am not supposed to eat, but am still given by my children, do not have to face the harsh fact that my children are unfilial and passing me around like a time bomb and of course, do not need to suffer the torturous effects of diabetes.

Left the ward and was nonchalant when Mummy handed pocket money to Bro because she was afraid that he might not have enough to spend. Favoritism at its peak eh? When I was younger, I would be very uncomfortable to know that I was not the favored one. Guess that right now, I just cannot be bothered. Since I could survive well without her when I was young, I could do that (or even better) right now. Handed some money to Daddy; guess this is just something little that I can do for him : ) Anyway, in his eyes, I am always his precious princess : )

Anyway, yesterday was King Kong's lunar birthday. Hence, he was given a big bowl of egg noodles with 2 hard-boiled eggs! (But it didn't look appetizing)

How interesting can this be?

Fortunately, before that, I had a good lunch cooked by him - Fried chicken wings and his specialty cabbage rice. Initially, I thought nothing of his cabbage rice; thought that it would be just rice with cabbage, but I was wrong. There was not only cabbage in the rice, there were shrimps, mushrooms and chunks of roasted pork too! Yummy!

Cabbage rice

Fried chix wings

From the rate he's cooking, I guess I am going to grow fatter and fatter. Looks like I have to squeeze jogging into my schedule later on!

Tired

Meeting ended at 7:05pm today. What the hell. Today's agenda was about how to present oneself during business visits. I was assigned to role play the Client, whereas Ellen Lee was to play the Consultant. Haha, as usual, I created great laughter from our colleagues, much to the chagrin of Boss (Who cares?) Immediately after the dry meeting, both Adeline and I left the office, weary and hungry.

Had a sudden craving for Han's seafood bee hoon, hence, I slowly made my way to Great Eastern Building. Ordered what I wanted and had my dinner. Last time, I used to think that dining alone was pathetic, but right now, I am beginning to appreciate the me-time. Guess it's important to have some time to do some reflection and see what one want in life. After dinner, I strolled to the bus-stop and waited for Bus 51. Boarded the bus and dozed off (Guess I must be too stressed for the past few days)

Anyway, yesterday, had a mini mooncake party in the office, courtesy from Boss : ) Guess he's getting to make some effort regarding staff welfare eh?

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival 25092007

P/S: Nothing much to write today - Nothing happening these few days except for STRESS, STRESS and MORE STRESS!

Touched

Met up with King Kong for breakfast at Kovan this morning. He mentioned that there was a stall that sells good ba chor mee and wanted me to try. As I knew he would be cooking lunch later on and with the knowledge of my sluggish metabolism rate, I requested to have a few mouthfuls of whatever he was going to order. Guess what? Instead of ordering what he usually had, he ordered mee tai mak and a bowl of fishball soup (lest I would be hungry later on). I felt surprised yet touched at the same time. Despite not a fishball lover, I swallowed a couple : )
While we were on the bus, knowing that I am one who is afraid of the cold (it was raining heavily as well), he wrapped his big arms around me : ) I felt warmth : ) After reading the newspapers and watching TV, he went ahead to cook lunch because he was afraid I might be hungry (Um, not possible as my metabolism is moving like a tortoise : P). Lunch was Teochew porridge, soya sauced pork, fried fish and fried kailan (My art). Quite comforting to eat home-cooked food after a long period of eating unhealthy MSG-cum-oil laden food : )

This is lunch..

Porridge is one of my favorite staple!

After lunch, we proceeded to watch TV and chat. While resting on the bed, I dozed off pretty quickly (sleep debt incurred by insufficient sleep for the past few weeks). Not too sure how long I was in slumberland, but after a while after I woke up, we started preparing for dinner (Again!). Guess the process of preparing ingredients, like marinating the pork and chopping the veggies, is very fun. Usually I dislike getting my hands dirtied and hardly help out at home. Surprisingly, this time round, I actually had the initiative to do the chopping and frying the veggie (and I was glad that I did!). This time round, dinner was steamed rice, chunks of fish in black bean sauce, black-peppered chicken and kailan with succulent prawns (Yes, I was the one who did the last dish : P ). Had a hard time finishing the dishes as we were not that hungry...Had wanted to stop eating, but seeing the effort he had put in the dinner preparation, it didn't hurt to pile on some excess calories (this is the first and last time!).

Dinner

Haircut (One Again)

I am so happy today! It has been a long wait to trim away the flyaways! Both Adeline and I had booked our hairstylist 3 weeks back because she received news that the latter would be getting married soon and that she would taking leave for 10 days! (Imagine how loyal we are?)

Was slightly late when I stepped foot into the salon. Saw the hairstylist (Same name as mine) snipping Adeline's tresses while Amy was chatting with the latter. Was so happy to see both of them though my head felt heavy earlier on. Caught up with Amy on her job and love life and was glad to know they were on the right track : ) Feeling adventurous, Adeline had a portion of her hair highlighted magenta and the result was very nice. As for Amy, she was very satisfied with her "concave" bob and it reminded her of the very first bob her previous hairstylist cut for her (She was tremendously delirious over it then). As for me, I was quite satisfied with my nerdy bang haircut - It was even and I believe the possibility of having flyaways would be kept to the minimum. I was quite impressed by the hairstylist's professionalism and her technical art : ) (I see a long term relationship here *wink*)

After stepping out the salon as happy customers, we strolled around Far East Plaza and ultimately settled for coffee at Starbucks. Gossips and saliva flying around as we sipped our frappucino. It was good to see and gossip with Amy again. I miss her so much! Miss those days which we would bicker over the slightest thing. Miss those days which she would team up with Adeline and bombard me with sarcasm. Hahaha...

After the coffee-cum-gossip session, we proceeded to Zara to shop and left after Amy bought a plain brown tee (How stupid could she be to pay 12 bucks for a lousy tee? : P ) Met up with Aunt Maddy and Bro for dinner at Sushi Tei (Oh my god! Yes! not again!). Did not eat much because of the caffine buildup (Caffine suppresses appetite) and perhaps, too sick of the food. Then again, as Aunt Maddy has only an off day, as long as she is happy, I do not mind eating at Sushi Tei every weekend : )

Today Is 22Sep2007

Heat

Woke up feeling rather excited this morning as I was supposed to go for a couple of business visits (There was no need to rot in the office!) However, my IT colleague, Claudia, who was to accompany me for the visits was ill and did not report to work. Disappointed, I rescheduled the visits with the respective HR personnel. From their voices, I could tell that they were not very happy about it : (

However, there was one business visit which I went for with Boss and another IT colleague, Eunice. While walking to the Great Eastern Building which was quite far from our office (Boss wanted to save on the cab fare), I had to endure the heat from the blazing sun, the weight of 2 boxes of snowskin mooncakes as well as Eunice's senseless talk : ( By the time I reached the client's place, I felt like fainting from heatstroke. As usual, both Eunice and I behaved like "vases" while Boss was trying very hard to share a snapshot of the current market situation with the HR Manager. From the dazed look on her face, I could tell that she was not interested at all (God knows if she was in slumberland : P ) The only time when her face lit up was when she received the 2 boxes of mooncakes (How realistic). Left and walked back to the office under the same blazing sun (God save me!)

Had an appraisal with Boss after that and as usual, there was nothing much to talk about. After getting the increment that I desired, I went off for the day : ) Met up with Accountant for dinner at Sushi Tei in Raffles City. Good to see him again, after such a long time. Not much changes in him, except for his more toned physique; he remained as confident (or arrogant) and aggressive as ever. Glad to know that he was doing well in his current company : ) Had a good catch-up with him and realized that he still harbor a slight grudge against me - He felt that I did not give him the moral support that he needed when his company shifted to Changi (He lives in the West). Oh well!

Paper Steamboat is Accountant's fav dish.

I like this!~!

The spread

Drunkard's Apology

Yes, regret to share that I was drunk again last Friday night : ( Went to Vino Vino for the fantastic wine buffet (How not to take up the offer of 12 bucks per person?) Due to the excitement of having free flow of red wine and the anticipation of the maximum glasses I could stomach, I gulped the first 3 glasses of red wine within 30 minutes. Subsequently, I could not recall how many glasses I had drunk in total because the waiter kept topping my glass like tap water. Ultimately, I could not stomach the last third of Sirloin Steak because I was gone...

Laid my head on the table and began to puke after a while. Whoa, wonder how Adeline, Rightie and the rest reacted at that point of time : P I must have frightened them quite badly as I heard some commotion before I was gone again...Guess after seeing me puking out my organs, Rightie could not tolerate any longer and brought me home (Fortunately, I did not puke in the cab, otherwise the latter would have much cleaning up to do). Bro waited for us at the void deck and he dragged me up and not before I staggered into the house, I puked once again (for the nth time). I made my way to the kitchen and rest for a while before heading to the bathroom. Bathing had never been so tedious; I sat on the floor and began the washing process with an heavy head (Fortunately, I have always been a survivor : P ) Dried myself and the moment my heavy head touched the pillow, I knocked out till the next morning...

Jumped out of bed thinking that it was working day. I quickly searched for my mobile phone and saw many missed calls and messages from King Kong. Without hesitation, I called him to tell him I was fine; he was worried sick and told me not to do that anymore as it was dangerous for a girl to get drunk : (

I feel so apologetic to King Kong for making him worried. I am sorry to make Rightie shorten her duration of fun to send me home and withstanding my puking nonsense, as well as Adeline and the rest - I had been a killjoy : ( I could have been the photographer and entertainer that night
: ( All were not materialized because I was drunk : (

I promise not to get drunk (on red wine) anymore. I will try my best to be sober, lest they exclude me from any drinking sessions - I don't want to miss out the fun!

Vino Vino 14Sep2007

Phobia

Guess I am a great phobic for words like "future" and "marriage". Those words sounded like magic many years back and I had been hoping for him to propose to me at that point of time. I saw him as somebody I wanted to spend the rest of my life with - somebody who fetched me from work, somebody who could have dinner with me every single day, somebody whom I could hold his hand all the time, somebody whom I could nag at all the time, somebody I could have 3 boys with...

He dashed my dream. I wanted to get married and asked him to come up with a nice and memorable proposal, which we could look back when we got old. He did not, but we went ahead to book a date to register our marriage. In a crying wreck, I told him if he did not come up with a marriage proposal within the next 3 months, I would call off all arrangements. He agreed and I prayed hard that he would.

Everything was in a rush. We went to bridal boutiques and restaurants to check out the prices, but deals were not closed due to prices. I was in a panicky mode because time was running short and we argued all the time. Ultimately, we could not get his so-called best deal. It didn't help that he was tied down by his work most of the time. At the very last week before the big day, nothing was in place - There was no proposal, no booking of restaurant as well as no bridal gown. I called off the whole arrangement. I was extremely disappointed and furious at him.I felt so sick by the whole incident that I saw no point in sharing my inner thoughts with him. He was not the one I thought he was...

This incident made me feel so sick of marriage. Why must I endure such a slap to my face? I am not ugly or lowly-educated, why do I get such sickening treatment? Whenever other brides-to-be chatter happily about their wedding arrangements with their other halves, I feel a dull ache in my tummy. Not that I am jealous; perhaps, it's just pure envy...Sometimes, when Gramps teases me of not getting married at such an old age (I am only 25, for Heaven's sake), though harmless banter, I just wish I can dig a hole and escape...

Not sure when I can overcome this phobia...(maybe never?) As for him, I don't know whether I should hate him or miss him. I just don't know. It just aches too badly.

Temperament

Realized that my temper is getting from bad to worse throughout the past few years. Not sure why it is so; I used to be meek. Last time whenever somebody took advantage of me, I would just keep quiet and forget about the whole issue. Of course, I did ponder why I was bullied for many days, and the conclusion was: I was too good.

I started to get really rebellious when I was having my 1st 3 month-attachment at Yishun JC. Due to my poor Physics results in the preliminary exams, I couldn't get into the same class as my sworn sister - I was assigned to a different class which Chemistry was one of the core subjects. I was super pissed off and stormed into the office of the Head of Physics Department. I told her that I wanted to change classes because it was pure luck my Chemistry results were slightly better the Physics' and I was more interested in the latter. After half an hour of debating, I emerged the winner : ) She had no choice but to assign me to the class which Sworn Sister was in.

These few days or rather today, the ugly head surfaced again. This morning, the MRT was extremely squeezy and I was in my usual foul mood. While trying to balance myself, I felt somebody stepping on my flats. Pissed, I elbowed him. He was shocked and looked at me in bewilderment. I gave him a dirty look and he backed away.

Months back, I screamed vulgarities at a middle-aged faggot for continuously chiding me: I was standing in front of 3 ATM machines (I would be the next one to use the most immediate available ATM machine). All of a sudden, the middle-aged faggot stood in front of me. At this point of time, I was shocked. Hence, the moment the next immediate ATM machine was available, when he was about to put his foot forward, I beat him to it. He was angry and started to hurl negative comments of "No manners" and "Jump queue". I got so fed up and screamed "fucking faggot" at him. He got worked up and started to scold me that as well. I showed him my middle finger and stormed off in glee : P

Due to the nature of my job, my conversational skills have improved by leaps and bounds and it is inevitable that my poor brain has to spin many times faster than others and words that come out from my mouth are much sharper. Imagine how not to improve when you have to negotiate with the clients, persuade and prep the candidates and so on? I must admit, sometimes, I hurt people intentionally and . . . unintentionally.

Not Again

Just came back from a good jog with my beastie brother, BoyBoy : ) Could actually feel fats and toxins oozing out from every single pore, which is fantastic. I guess I need this jog badly, due to the rich food I had for meals just now and for the past few days.

Went to Bobby's at Chjmes to have dinner of steak with Aunt Maddy, Brother and Wynne just now (It was actually a post-birthday dinner for Brother). Great to see Wynne after the previous Bintan trip. Caught up with her and found out that she would be furthering her studies in Japan for at least a year. I mean, she has always been a scholar and I guess going overseas for further studies would definitely widen her exposure. I am happy yet sad because I won't be able to see her for at least a year. *Sob sob* :~ ( Asked her how were things between her and Dickie Boy and based on her response, it didn't seem positive. Guess he must be too busy setting up his career to spend time with her and it didn't help that she's going to Japan for a year... Well, just hope for the best for them; they had been together for 7 years...

Tried King Kong's baked seafood rice this afternoon. Witnessed the whole cooking process and I must say that this guy's a pro! Not only was he fast in washing and stir frying the seafood (clams, prawns and sotong), he was good in making the dish taste better by topping up with cheddar cheese~! In fact, the whole dish was completed within half an hour. Amazing eh? Despite too-salty-too-sweet dishes for the past few luncheon, I must say that he has the potential to be a good cook! Yay~!~ Heard that the upcoming lunch for next week would be Teochew porridge with fish..Yummy~!~ : P~~

After the carbohydrate-cum-calorie-ladened lunch, we watched "Ratatouille" and guess what? It was fantastic! A witty show that you would never find a single moment boring! After the movie, I had a short nap and woke up to watch "Just Like Heaven". As it was too boring and dry, I requested King Kong to stop and we started to play Neopets (Well, he is BAD in games)
: ) After losing several games, (Guess he felt hopeless) we watched a re-run of a Channel 8 drama serial before I left to meet Aunt Maddy, Brother and Wynne for dinner. Too bad I had to meet them for dinner : P Else could have had more time to pinch and jab his wobbly tummy : P

Medium-rare steak in red wine sauce, with tossed salad and jacket potato as sides
(How you expect me not to jog?)

Appreciation

First and foremost, I would like to thank Rightie for making the effort to come down to Raffles Place to have lunch with me upon hearing that I am not in the best of mood. She even gave me a pink stuff toy to cheer me up (She knows I love pink, but she doesn't know that I am not into stuff toys : P). Whatever it is, thanks for your love and concern! : ) I will make sure that I will go down to Orchard Road to have lunch with you should your turn comes (but I hope it will never come) : P

Last Friday, Adeline, Amy, Sharon, Jacintha and I went to the famous restaurant, which has this promotion of $4.80 nett per dish, for dinner. Ordered a myriad of dishes, which included shark's fin soup, frog legs in chicken stock, steamed fish ala Hong Kong style and so on. Had a great time eating and chatting (best of all, it was easy on our pockets) : ) After a satisfying and value-for-money dinner, we proceeded to TCC for drinks. After an hour or so, we went on our separate ways and I took Bus 51 home. Thought it would be a lonely journey with only my ishuffle; fortunately, King Kong was there to provide his company : )

5 Beauties - Dinner Outing 7Sep2007

Went to King Kong's house yesterday to have lunch. Dishes, which he painstakingly prepared, were spare ribs in black bean sauce, lettuce in oyster sauce as well as teriyaki chicken. Despite raised eyebrows, I greatly appreciate his effort in coming up with the menu : ) After lunch, we had a few tablespoons of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey and Chubby Hubby! Haha, I cannot imagine that it was my first time tasting the famous ice cream! We also watched "The Wedding Singer" and were touched by the romance between the roles played by Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. Well, King Kong asked me if we could end up like Robbie Hart (Adam Sandler) and Julia Sullivan (Drew Barrymore), I told him "no" and he was greatly disappointed : P

Time flies fast whenever I spend time with King Kong and I know he feels the same as well. I am not sure if this is the initial stage which communication level is at its peak or we are simply too talkative? I know he is very serious about planning his future together with me. However, I feel that it is too fast to talk about such things, especially when I am feeling volatile right now. Guess it would simply be too unfair to him if I agreed. I must admit that sometimes I am very touched by his simple gestures. However, when that happens and it all seems too easy to say "Yes, I won't torture you anymore; you can hold my hand and be my boyfriend", something in me always manages to hold back and the usual replies of "Don't waste your time" and "Rubbish - I cannot be bothered by you" conveniently slips out. Perhaps, it would be good for both us eh?

Yes, it would be good.

Zombie

These few days have been pretty hard for me. Too many things happened and I feel tremendously overwhelmed. It's the beginning of the month and it spells "S-T-R-E-S-S". Getting paranoid of suffering from the 80-20 rule and coming back on alternate Saturdays. Seeing how Jacintha and Jojo breezing through their minimum target made me feel worse. Have wanted to work harder, but it seems there are no good resumes and job orders right now...

Other than work, I am stuck in the time warp. I just cannot get over what happened last Sunday. Those scenes, the past and the sickening heartache keep coming back every time I pass the places we once left our footprints or every time I see something which we once shared. I hate to live in misery and breath sorrow. I feel like a zombie with no hint of emotion. Perhaps I am destined to be a cursed walking zombie?

Suffered from 2 huge zits on the left side of the face and decided to look for Helen after work. When she saw me, she said I had grown prettier - It used to make me happy, but it seemed that those words had no impact on me. What happened to me? I don't know. While squeezing the pimples and clog from my face, she was blabbering about Christianity to me. She mentioned God would help those who need help. She sensed that I was unhappy and needed help? After the session, her parting words were "God love you". It was comforting to know that someone still loves me though I am no believer of Christianity : )

Left and bought a plain cheeseburger home. While listening to my ishuffle on my way home, I felt an excruciating ache. Wanted to cry out loud, but managed to control. Guess there was no point to be the centre of attraction in the bus. I felt like dying. Sometimes it made me wonder if dying would be a good way to remove all pain. What should I do?

Tomorrow is only Thursday. What the fuck. Getting increasingly irritated by the days, but does it matter? The future is bleak.

Sadness

I bit my lower hard. I don't want to cry, I don't want to cry. However, no matter how hard I tried, I failed. In no time, I was sobbing in front of him, the guy who accompanied me throughout the years - when I was still the nubile university girl. Little gifts like a Kogepan's purse and a doggy pendant made me happy for days. Simple words like "I love you" and "I miss you" made my heart flutter for weeks. I always longed to see him and I knew he longed to see me as well, from the long distances he made every night to my house (My cooking was his reward) ...

During the past few years, after I have stepped into working society, I changed. I was not satisfied with little gifts anymore. I wanted to lead a high life and I wanted him to lead a high life as well. Restaurants were such a daily affair that I got so sick of eating pretentious food. Holidays were booked at a whim. Gifts were enough to burn pockets. Guess gradually, both of us felt empty after a while. We stopped having our favorite heart-to-heart talks (because there was nothing much to talk about except work and senseless gossip). We started to do our own stuff without each other...Guess that was a killer...in no time to come, we were used to doing things in the absence of each other...

He wanted to get married due to his age. I didn't want to get married because of my age. I was still enjoying life and didn't want to settle down yet. Quite blatant that we had different directions in life...

Seeing him once again made me tremendously shattered. I miss those days. I treasure this love. Yet, I hate him for making me feel so lost. However, I cannot be selfish. He must move on. Staying on with me means he may not start a family. No matter how much I hate to let go, I have to.

Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things in life and it is something I fear most. Saying goodbye is equivalent to ripping oneself up and this time round, I couldn't stop wailing. I felt like dying, which I guess was must easier...

Wonder if I can ever move on...Guess not.