Hi gal,
How have you been recently? I hope this email find you well.
How was mid-autumn's festival for you? Had fun? Needless to say, I did not celebrate the festival this year except for eating the mooncakes =P
I know you must be blaming me for the atrociously long time I take to reply to your previous mail! But honestly, I find myself a little short of tearing everytime I think of writing home. I did rather talk online you know, just there and then... no time for emotional rushes like what I am experiencing right now while composing this email to you.
Let's start with the weather. The weather has turned cooler now which I will be eternally grateful for, as the weather the past few weeks has been incredulously hot and humid. It was the monsoon period with heavy rain, but unfortunately the rain did not relieve any of the summer's heat but worsen it by causing the atmosphere to become damp and sticky. However, tonight was breezy with a slight autumn feel to it. The weather was nice and I did went out for dinner but I returned home in a foul mood. Let me let you on to the reason soon...
What I am about to tell you will be so much easier to say if I had met you online tonight, but I guess you must be already in bed as you have to work the next day. It is a national holiday in Japan tomorrow, that's why I can afford the luxury of staying up late tonight ^ ^ Okay, I wonder if you knew about it but just last week I chatted with Dickson online and I told him to cast thoughts about our relationship aside and focus on his career or what he intends to achieve in the near future. I mentioned that I thought it was best for us to remain as very good friends first and we should only discuss matters between us after I return from Japan. I felt that it was kinda pointless for us to harp on our feelings for each other when we are so far apart. As much as I hate to conform to stereotypical views that long-distance relationships more often than not come to no good an end, I can't deny that distance do play apart in diluting the feelings between a couple. Of course we can always communicate through chat applications and emails etc, but it could never be compared to the physical presence, for example, going out for dinner, to the movies, chatting at a cafe or even the sense of touch... if you get my point. To make matters worse, you are aware that right from the start, Dickson and I have nothing much in common to talk about right? We could hardly keep up an online conversation except for the formalities like so how's life, what have you been doing lately, complaints about how unfulfilling life can be etc... yeah~~ as can be noted, both of us are not helping each other out much. You know, our online conversations do end off unpleasantly at times. I am always pretty amazed at how we could fight even when we hadn't seen each other for months and when we hadn't been spending much time with each other. Sometimes, I look back and think about what went wrong and as I look back further into the past 7 years that we have been together, I realized that the root of the problem was right at the start of the relationship when we started to discover that our personalities were incompatible. I remembered that 7 years ago, you once mentioned that Dickson and I were unsuited in terms of personality and background but you said that it was obvious that he did care for me and that I have to choose between living a life with someone who cared for me but whom I know will never be the one or I could continue with my search for the one who might never be found. At that time, I thought that perhaps if you are really in love with a person, it doesn't matter if he or she is your soulmate or not. However, I guess after 7 years of endless disputes, I finally understand that if the other party is not your soulmate, the love you two once shared will erode among the many fights, arguments and unhappiness. Of course, I must say that there are blissful moments too, but the friction somehow just outweighs it all and love can't grow in this state, can it? Like what I have mentioned before, adaptation is a very scary thing. After arriving in Japan and being displaced from my comfort zone, I then realise that perhaps Dickson and I are just too used to being together and are too afraid of stepping out from our relationship, because we fear of having no one to fall back on just in case things don't work out well. As a result, I have been thinking about it slow and hard these days and I came to a conclusion that I should let this relationship go, in order to search for this soulmate whom could possibly never been found. Thus, I broke the news to Dickson about staying as friends while I am in Japan. What do you think? Have I made a right choice? I don't know... perhaps you might say that I am heartless to let go of a relationship made up of 7 years of time, effort and feelings. I know that after all, Dickson has done much for me too and my decision might be unfair to him... but don't you think that if we were to drag this and remain together, more harm would be done? At least in either way, my conscience wouldn't be clear, would it?
Then here comes another problem... This is terrible. I am all alone here and I have absolutely no one to discuss this with and I am going beserk! Allow me to backtrack and explain why I was in such a lousy mood earlier tonight which could otherwise be a calm and nostalgic mid-autumn festival night. What I am telling you now is strictly for your eyes only okay? Please keep this hushed and DO NOT tell anyone about it especially Dickson or gramp's/family to avoid any unnecessary worrying or stir-ups. I trust that you can do this for me right? After all, we have been sharing secrets since young ^ ^
I have this Japanese guy friend who I meet up with like once every week. I can't say for sure that he is interested in me but hell, we do click right on. Seriously, we could talk about almost anything under the sun and even though my Japanese isn't that good or is his Japanese that perfect, we could somehow still manage to communicate at ease. I feel kinda comfortable with him and I think we do laugh a lot in each other's presence. However, as far as that goes, I do not know much about his character though. After all, we have only went out for slightly more than 5 times... I must say that I am kinda drawn to him and I thought that perhaps we do have a certain chemistry between us... until tonight, the faithful mid-autumn night which left me on the verge of pulling all my hair out.
After dinner tonight, we started talking about our past relationships and sharing our experiences. Apparently this guy just broke off with his ex slightly more than 2 weeks ago, exact reason unknown. He just attributed the break-up to the incompatibility of their personalities. Before his official break-up, he did kinda tell him that he was going to do it but at that time I didn't think anything of it because I have yet to feel anything for him. Right now, I am not very sure of how I feel too, as I am unclear of what this sick to the guts kind of feeling that I experienced and am experiencing now after he told me earlier that he is currently uninterested in finding a girlfriend at this moment of time and that he hasn't met anyone that he could fall in love with right now. So you 'pak kah' cousin has for once in her life made a wrong judgement about whether the chemistry shared between us was mutual or not. He really gave me the feeling that he was interested in me you know and I have mistaken it, now that I know that his interest is not in a romantic fashion but perhaps directed towards a foreigner in Japan whereby he is just eager to learn more about different lifestyles and cultures. Boy, I was really fooled, wasn't I? By the unanimous agreement on most issues, similar feelings held during certain situations and the once in a week meeting. At first I thought that the constant meeting every week at least proves that he was was a tad bit interested in me? But now I realise that I was duped by my own wishful thinking. However, he did really gave me the feeling that he might be interested... how and exactly what he said or did, I don't quite remember but your 'pak kah' cousin will most likely from now on be more 'pak kah' than ever I guess. It's kinda amazing that I can be attracted to someone under the condition of tougher than usual communication, different cultures and backgrounds. What do you think I should do now? Should I stop myself from falling even harder and deeper into this abyss which I can see no bottom? I am completely at a loss. As much as I wish for something to work out between us, but now looking back, it seems that we have went out for 6 times and if he feels something, he should at least have some response or something right? Or is it too quick or are Japanese just as 'pak kah' as your cousin?
Sighhh... I am really confused and I don't know what to think anymore. Any slightest waver of hope in me was completely snubbed out when he told me earlier that he wasn't interested in being in a relationship right now and that he is waiting to meet the someone who clicks with him and that he could fall in love with. Yeah~~ I am practically non-existent before him I guess. So the feeling of being able to click with him was just purely me being delusional. I simply feel like puking at the thought of that. I wonder if I should meet him again or perhaps I should just run away and avoid contact to save my betraying heart first. However, I might lose out on a very good friend... Do you remember what Ah Po said before I left for Japan? She said that I was in the debt of the rooster right? Now thinking of it... what did she exactly mean? I don't quite remember. As in I will have to repay them this life or that I will owe them in this life? Does it mean that they will haunt me for my debt this life? Or that I will owe them or have I already owed them? Haha... sorry, it must be confusing... it's kinda scary because judging from how I ranted about how much we clicked and stuff, you may have already guess that he is like my dearest cousin, a Gemini and he's a 1981. Scary, isn't it? I hadn't knew any rooster close to me except for gramp's before I left for Japan and suddenly out pops one. I was shocked at how coincidental it all seems at first. However I am afraid that he's here to collect the debt. According to what Ah Po said, does it mean that I have to repay him now or that I will owe him something in future? Crap, my emotional vulnerability is obviously leaving me way too superstitious for my own good...
Pheww... I guess I really have written too much about my problems in this email. I'm really sorry if this is hurting your eyes. I can perfectly understand why because my head swells too whenever I retrace the cramped and longwinded grandmother story that I have written. Thanks so much for bearing with me and I really would value your advice and opinions. Oh by the way, please let me know your recent condition and do let me hear of your problems too if you have any!
Missing all at home dearly...
(In the midst of a sucky and aimless life, revolving around ridiculous illusions)
